WestWind Ministries - Boundaries in Marriage

Welcome to Westwind Ministries!

Predictable paths/steps for resolving all kinds of issues.

Step 1: Observation – You can’t fix a problem that you do not see; one of you has to notice the problem first see it, preserve it as problem.

Step 2: Confrontation – You can’t fix a problem you don’t talk about- Speak Honest and love.

Step 3: Ownership, Grief & Apology- If you the problem-OWN IT. IF you’re the wounded party forgive and express your hurt.

Step 4: Repent- Commit to change.

Step 5: Involvement in the process get involved in the change

Step 6: Re-Examination.

Are you facing an inability to live with differences? Your marriage can survive – work it out- compromise.

Misuse of Boundaries-

Godly Suffering- is good for us-it helps us grow. Through suffering God allows us to experience and adapt to reality.

Ungodly Suffering-is not good for us – it produces no results – no growth. It comes from either doing the wrong thing or not doing the right things.

Speak from love.

Whatever the problem-

Invite him to change and with empathy and love request that he make some specific change.

When we warn our spouse we tell them that something painful might happen in the future.

His behavior might determine what happens.

Be activity and constantly in the act of forgiveness.

Marriages that work best have equal interdependent partner with different roles.

God’s solution for “I can’t live that way anymore is basically-

GOOD! Don’t live that way anymore do the marriage my way (God’s way) instead.

Things that Allow Intruders into your Marriage.

Not knowing your limits

Taking the marriage for granted.

Problems with setting boundaries with one another.

Don’t be irresponsible or hurtful.

Maintain a position of love without rescue, and truth without nagging.

Common Intruders that Weaken the Marital Bond

Addictions

Work

Kids

Friends

In-laws

Hobbies

Internet

Sports

Affairs (most hurtful to the marriage)

There are almost no marriage problems in which one spouse contributes 100% and the other 0% of the problem. Both parties are responsible for 100% of their side of the problem. Ask yourself what are you contributing to the problem?

Boundaries In Marriage

Don’t let your spouses failures become your excuses.

Be Trustworthy, dependable, sexually and emotionally faithful, until the end.

Holiness and Marriage

Holiness is not religious

Get Holy for Holiness Sake

Get HOLY-Reality orientated

Pure and blameless.

1 Confession and ownership of the problems in each individual.

2 A relentless drive toward growth and development

3 A giving up of everything that gets in the way of love

4 A surrendering of everything that gets in the way of truth

5 A purity of heart where nothing toxic is allowed to grow

6 Hungering for righteous-Growing into the person God wants you to be.

7. Sarcastic, Indirect and angry-

8. Get better for yourself not another person.

Conflicts in Marriage

Watch out for the unavoidable sparks you will still have conflict.

1. The sin of one’s spouse-Be tough on the issue and soft on the person.

2. The Immaturity or brokenness of one person- be sure to make problems mutual.

3. Hurt feelings that are no one’s fault.

4. Conflicting desires, differences is what brings us together- See activity through your spouses eyes.

5. Desires of one person versus the needs of the relationship.

Know Verses Unknown problems

Remember –

1 Marriage always wins- serve the marriage first.

2 The marriage is more important than his or her individual wants.

Learn what your spouse knows about you and try to make it better. Psalm 19:12

Resolving Conflicts

Two issues with conflicts-

* The issue to be dealt with

* Ability of the person to deal with the issue.

Conflict is normal-yet it doesn’t make it easier to deal with.

Boundary Resisters –

People who are not open to feedback cannot see when they do/are wrong do not like limits of any ki8nd and blame everyone else for their problems...

Boundary Lovers-

But people who have the ability to hear feedback and listen.

Have an openness desire to experience love. BOUNDARY Loving Spouses – Are open to truth, responsibility and freedom and love, are loving.

Dealing With Your fears.

Make a commitment of total honesty and grace to deal with the honesty.

Protect your marriage against deception.

Honest and Faithfulness

1 Trust each other

2 Have confidence in each other

3 Be assured of each others character and dependability

4 Be convicted of your ability and trust each other

5 Be certain of each others fidelity

6 Be True

7 Be permanent to each other

8 Rest in each other

You can become more committed to other things than your spouse.

1 Crush at work

2 A hobby

3 An Addiction

4 People pleasing

These things can become more important when they come in between you and your spouse.

Make a Covenant- that nothing will come between us

Clothe your self with compassion

Think about…

1 How awesome your spouse is, how much you love him or her.

2 Turn to your spouse “Honey I am a sinner and I will fail you and I will hurt you”.

3 Face it; the person you love the most and have committed your life to is an imperfect being.

4 This person is guarantee to hurt you and fail you in many ways, some serious and some not.

5 What then- what do you do?

6 Criticize? Or love them out of them. Forgive!

7 Own your FAILURE, show a change of heart.

Outline notes from Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Townsend's Book Boundaries in Marriage

NOTICE: Put boundaries between your marriage and the outside world-
Third Parties- Are anyone who isn't you and your partner. Your secretary or best friend or confidant.
Investing more to one's parents or one's children. It is our responsibility to say "no" to third parties.

A life of "yes" to everyone else ultimately results in "no" to your marriage.

Basic Rules in Communication

1 Listen and seek to understand the other before you seek to be understood.

2 Actively empathize and use reflective listening to let the other person know you understand.

3 Don’t devalue and explain away what the other person is saying and feeling. Don’t defend just listen.

4 Clarify to make sure you understand. Ask Questions.

5 Use “I” statement that should you are taking responsibility for what you are feeling or wanting.

6 REMEMBER: There is always a death before a resurrection.

7 GO through it lovingly you’ll find more intimacy on the other side.

NO TRESPASSING

1 The marriage needs to be activity protected.

2 Things and People-

3 Both spouses must invest continually in their attachment to each other.

4 It is their shared responsibility to keep their love secure and safe.

Forsake or leave behind all others…

All good marriages need outside support. SEEK OUT THE RIGHT SOURCES.

When the marriage contains forms of hurt or conflict we busy ourselves with other activities and dull the difficulties and pain in the marital connection. BE Honest with yourself!-Bring the real issue to the light and deal with it.

Remember: The nature of emotional intimacy itself can make a marriage vulnerable to outside influences.

Thus intimacy causes two threats that leave the marriage open to intruders.

Within ourselves- One Spouse may pull away from what the intimacy reveals about themselves, hurts and failures.

- Fear of real closeness and being known

- Fear of abandonment and loss of love if they are known.

-Fear of being controlled and possessed if they are known.

-Fear of being seen as bad or not good enough

-Fear of their own desires, needs and other emotions.